Catharsis for my Brain

Silly little me (5 years ago)

Sat, 18 May 2013 17:55:03 +0300

With the new Facebook Timeline setup, those notes which I wrote about 5 years ago popped up to the top of my profile. Before deleting all of them, I read through some of those old questionnaire things where you have to tick off what you have done or answer questions truthfully and shit like that.

One of the questions was, “Are you gay?” and my answer was “nope, nope and definitely not”.

Funny to think how at 15, even though I rewatched that scene of Callie and Erica kissing for the first time in Grey’s Anatomy hundreds of times, had a weird attraction to Miley Cyrus, liked boobs, wasn’t attracted to boys and deleted my browser history nearly every day because of “Am I Bi” Google searches, I still thought I was straight.

My parents don’t openly support homosexuality but they aren’t against it and when I come out to them, I’m sure they’ll still love and support me; but I was so scared to admit it to myself because of my school’s view on it and the societal pressure of straightness.

Fuck society and fuck the normality of school.

Best scene!!!

Sat, 18 May 2013 16:22:55 +0300

Best scene!!!

These two :)

Sat, 18 May 2013 16:16:14 +0300

These two :)

Well now I'm confused

Fri, 17 May 2013 02:54:39 +0300

In celebration of our end of lectures and the beginning of exam period, I went to my friend’s house for a drinking fest. I’d been talking to that girl I’ve liked for ages (we’d been talking for a while) so I invited her to come as I was saying goodbye (knowing that she wouldn’t come).

But holy fuck she accepted the invite and came and joined us. It was actually quite fantastic. But damn now I’m more confused.

I love my friends though because, although they teased me mercilessly before she came, they involved her in conversation and left us to our little chats when needed. I had so much fun with her tonight. Fuck.

But damn, Now my head will spin out of control once I begin to over analyse this. Fuck it!

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?"

Wed, 15 May 2013 20:33:02 +0300

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?”

- Dumbledore.

If this is true, then somewhere, in some other universe, there is another me who is unbelievably happy. This life in this universe however…needs a bit of work!

Brownie for your thoughts...

Wed, 15 May 2013 20:14:36 +0300

Well my big plans of studying hard and starting a big report for last night failed epically when my friend invited me over for brownies.

As far as flavour went, they were the best I’ve had and I could feel the effect within about 30 minutes.

We filled our night with making chicken (a bit of a fail), watching Adventure Time, laughing at stupid things and staring at stuff.

I couldn’t think as clearly as I normally can when I’m high which was strange but overall I had fun.

My sleep was filled with weird dreams I can’t remember and I woke up still high out of my mind.

Finally, at 10:00, I began to sober up (which was good considering I’d been at varsity for 2 hours already).

But needless to say, not doing that again until after exams but I lose a full day’s worth of productivity (not that it’s much, but still!)

Tonight

Sat, 11 May 2013 22:14:56 +0300

Tonight, I am armed with a full-to-the-brim glass of wine, my angry bird pj’s and Imagine Me and You. Sounds like an exciting night, I’d say.

Well that sucks

Fri, 10 May 2013 22:39:17 +0300

I’m only writing this on here because I need to get it out of my head and if I tell any of my friends, they will think that I am not (slowly) getting over this girl.

So I guess now we’re buddies, which is cool but slightly frustrating considering I still have a crush on her even though she HAS a girlfriend. But she smses me every day. I want to be the one that initiates the daily talking but I don’t know how the whole two-gay-girls-but-just-friends relationship thing works.

Anyway, during our biology prac yesterday afternoon, we were fooling around like we normally do (ie covering each other with tape, drawing on our lab coats etc etc) and because of this, were quite close in proximity.

Then she gets a message from her girlfriend saying “I see you!” and she suddenly freaks out and steps back 100m from me, swearing under her breath a lot.

I was confused but carried on with what we were supposed to be doing while she sorted out her shit with her girlfriend. She then realised that the message had been sent earlier and not as we were close and fooling around (she thought her girlfriend had seen us through the window of the prac lab) and she said that she was sorry about that but her girlfriend is really insecure about stuff like that (as to what “stuff” she was talking about, I assume the ‘acting like morons with another girl’ part?).

Which is fine, really. But I’m new to the fact that there are other girls who like girls and because she’s cool and she’s a girl, I like her. So it’s hard for me that someone else has already scooped her up.

Sigh. But I am slowly moving on. Slowly. Like snail pace. But I am

The Future

Tue, 07 May 2013 09:43:15 +0300

I want to be happy. I want to have a loving family- two amazing children (yes, i admit it) and a wife I adore.

I want a stressful yet rewarding job. I want to cut open dying animals and save their lives. I want to tell weeping owners that their beloved pet will live to catch another ball or will gallop around a paddock for many years to come. I want to work with wildlife and watch how they interact with each other in the bush.

I want to stop the abuse on animals. I want those who abuse animals for the sake of it and to “prove” their strength to be punished because animals, loyal, loving animals can’t fight back.

I want to travel and to explore the world. I want to spend time in New York. I want to go back to Amsterdam for a visit. I want to visit a remote island.

I want to have an exciting life. I want to be happy.

My plans for this year then:
1) apply for vet school for 2014
2) volunteer at SPCA in June holidays
3) work-ride in Ceres in June holidays
4) study my ass off for these exams
5) look up travel opportunities
6) job-shadow vets in the area
7) have fun (I’m a student so I might as well)
8) wait for love- it’ll find me when I’m ready for it

You Tumblr people are actually fucking amazing.

Sun, 05 May 2013 15:39:18 +0300

You Tumblr people are actually fucking amazing.

I will be like a phoenix and rise from the fire

Sun, 05 May 2013 15:37:42 +0300

I will be like a phoenix and rise from the fire

Lost

Sun, 05 May 2013 12:45:23 +0300

So yesterday I had a break down. Lately, everything (and I mean, everything) has been going wrong.

I told my mom about what has been going through my head and how down I’ve been lately. How everything I was, everything I had a year ago, is slipping through my fingers. How I’m not enjoying varsity at all because it really IS NOT INTERESTING to me. How riding used to be the one thing I was good at, the one stable (haha) thing in my life but now, even that’s fucked. How separate I’ve been feeling from the family.

Now that I think about it, it’s entirely true. I haven’t been feeling like me for nearly two years. I’m rundown, “normal”. Who the fuck wants to be normal?? I’ve lost all of my motivation for life and for trying. I don’t dream anymore.

My mom says I’ve lost my sparkle and my passion and she’s been trying desperately for months to figure out how to help me get it back. She wants me to dream and to be the best that I can be and she knows that I don’t enjoy varsity and she wishes I had taken a gap year last year or this year to find myself.

I told her how my stuttering, my speech has made life so fucking difficult. She asked if the fact that I was lost and couldn’t make decisions had to do with that. I thought about it and realised it had. I figure I can’t become a vet, because I will have to explain to sad owners why their horse is dying. I can’t become a detective or forensic pathologist because of the reports I will have to give. I can’t become a fucking waitress because I will have to interact with fucking people.

This, now that I think about it, is what’s causing the huge hole in my life. I’m so scared to express myself, for what people will think, that I’ve been hiding.

I need to go back to speech therapy and sort my shit out. I’ve made stuttering the centre of my world, when it’s just a tiny fraction of who I am.

I think the reason I was so focused on that girl, from varsity, and why I was obsessed with her and all that, is because I’ve got absolutely nothing else to focus on. Nothing to put my energies into because everything in my life depresses me. And so I turned to her, hoping that she (or anyone for that matter) would complete me. But now that I think about it, who wants to be with someone so ordinary, so plain and so self-hating? How can I expect anyone else to love me if I don’t love myself?

Although I am busy with tests and exams over the coming weeks, I am going to make a conscious effort to be the real me. A better version of me.

I can do this.

What a girl wants

Fri, 03 May 2013 00:44:00 +0300

I’m confused. Partly because it’s nearly midnight and I’ve been studying for 5 hours straight. Partly because of this girl.

We had a chat earlier in the week and she now knows I’m gay and I know she has a girlfriend. Which is cool, really.

But because I had a crush on her, I’ve been trying to keep my distance so I can get over her. But she keeps smsing me! Literally every day. I don’t know if it’s because her other friends are working or whatever but it’s come to the point where I expect it and wait around frantically for the message.

If she wants to be my friend (not just a varsity friend who you see around but never go into their lives with them), that’s ok but I need to set myself some boundaries.

I’ve got one more practical with her next week before exams and such so we’ll see what happens after that - if I’m just a form of entertainment while her other friends are busy or if she actually wants to spend time with me (as a friend)

My Dream

Thu, 02 May 2013 10:35:29 +0300

Me and Voldemort were pals and because of the whole wizard-war thing that was going on, he was going to give me his yacht. To prove to him I would be responsible will it, I had to undergo some tests.

I had to wander through an old mansion with many rooms (half of which were filled with musicians), I had to walk away from someone I shouldn’t care about, I had to roam a big, scary garden and I had to swim across a lake that had a snapping turtle.
This turtle tried to eat me but I grabbed it and rode it to the other side of the lake. Then I had to choose one of three holes in a wall to crawl through. The first nearly chopped my hand off, the second was blocked off and the third led me to a slide.
The slide then dropped me into the yacht. It was number 29 in the docks and was filled with food and drinks.
I then drove the yacht out of the river that we were now in and through Constantia Main Road in Cape Town.

I mean, what the fuck kind of dream is that?????

So.....

Wed, 01 May 2013 02:04:20 +0300

So, it turns out, she has a girlfriend. Have to admit, I’m pretty bummed but hopefully after a night of drinking and story-swopping with some friends, I think I’ll be fine,

Eventually

At least I have a gay friend. yay :)

Photo

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 10:12:11 +0300

I get drunk to forget. But on the other hand, I hate forgetting.

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 10:06:22 +0300

I get drunk to forget. But on the other hand, I hate forgetting.

Tuesday blues

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 10:05:35 +0300

I’m feeling like death today. Must be from the MD I took on the weekend. Although it might be just because I’ve had a crappy morning.

I missed my bus by a minute, walked to the next closest stop and had to wait in a queue for half an hour. I didn’t get a chance to complete the practical report I had to hand in at 8am because I missed my bus and arrived late to varsity.

I cannot wait to see my horse this afternoon- he’s my therapy.

Life

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 22:50:56 +0300

Life is looking up. Sort of.

I have brandy stocked in my room now.

Tomorrow is Jungala, my last trance party before exams. Tomorrow is also going to be filled with drugs, more booze and mind-numbing music. I can’t wait to forget about my silly little problems.

definitely ask the girl out. :)

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 07:26:36 +0300

Ah yes, but HOW?????