Catharsis for my Brain

So I think I’m going mad. I have a big test today and I spent hours and hours studying yesterday (really quite proud of myself for that…) and I expected to dream about Bio and genes and DNA etc etc.

Well, my brain had other ideas.

I dreamt that a huge elephant appeared in my living room and tried to steal my dog. So I ‘arm’-wrestled its trunk until it stop trying to grab him. Then I brought out my shrink ray (no idea where that came from) and shrunk the elephant down until he was about labrodor-size.

Then he became my pet and I fed him and loved him and he slept in my bed.

Don’t know how it ends though…my alarm went off before that part :(

HOLIDAYS START AT 1PM TODAY!!!! WOOHOO :)

On the way home from varsity today, I was on the bus, on my own. I was just daydreaming because it had been a long day.

At a stop near my house, a girl gets onto the bus but because there was no more sitting space, she stood next to my row of seats. I looked at her for a while because she was really, really beautiful - shortish blonde hair, simple but beautiful clothes, a freckle-y face and a lovely frame.

When the lady sitting next to me got off at another stop, this girl sat down in the lady’s seat because it was closest to her. I was trying so hard to say something clever or witty but I couldn’t open my mouth. I then looked for any sign that she could be gay (which I am useless at and have a score of about 0 to me, 100 to the world). I observed short nails and a rainbow circle on her bag. Not that that means anything - it looked part of the design.

Anyway…so I wanted to get away from her as quickly as possible because I was acting like such an idiot and I didn’t want her thinking that I was any more weird than I am (in case I run into her again and I’m sane), so I walked quite quickly towards home (which is about a 10 minute walk from the bus stop).

Little did I know, she lives on the road opposite me so the whole way home, I could hear her footsteps behind me.

It felt like the universe was laughing at me, putitng this beautiful girl in my sights, KNOWING that I couldn’t act upon anything I wanted to. I have no experience with girls and have no idea what to say or how to say it or when to say it or if I must say anything at all.

Stupid universe.

Skype is such an amazing invention.

I just had a long chat to a friend of mine who is staying in Amsterdam for a year to au pair. She left in January and I have really missed her. She was the first person I came out to and the only one, so far, who has shown any interest in that side of my life. She’s an awesome friend and seeing her again, with her new ‘pixie’ style haircut, made my shitty day so much better.

I’m glad she hasn’t forgotten her South African friends and hasn’t replaced us with some awesome new Dutch people.

I cannot wait until Friday afternoon - when Varsity ends and the Easter holidays begin! I think I’m going to go to Kirstenbosch (a huuuge botanical garden in Cape Town) next week with a book and just lie down on the grass for a few hours and be by myself. People are annoying me too much right now. Go Solitude!!!

Time to skype my Grandmom in Florida to wish her happy birthday!!!

For how long should you continue trying to maintain a friendship with a straight crush  who rejected you by saying, “Ireallylike you…just not in that way”, if she ignores you when she’s around her other friends, can be very bitchy, but acts completely normal and friendly when it’s just the two of you?

She’s the one who insisted we remain friends (which is the obvious solution because we have to see each other every day) and yet she can act like a complete bitch.

I don’t know how long I can keep up this ‘friendship’ before I a) die of alcohol poisoning, b) punch her in the face or c) crawl into a hole and hibernate for a couple of years.

She has NO idea what I’m going through, having come out to her, telling her my feelings and dealing with her rejection.

And I could happily not be her friend but she can be a really lovely person and her sister is one of my good friends (the first one I came out to). So it would be very awkward.

I don’t know what to do :(

To add to my list of Procrastinatory (Procrastinational?) Devices (along with Tumblr, Facebook, That 70s show etc etc), I have now installed Pokemon on my computer. With a Gameboy emulator. It is bloody brilliant. I forgot how awesome those games used to be….

So I’m looking for new music to listen to and I decided to try Tegan and Sara. I was scared to start listening to them in case I didn’t like them (because they’re a huge hit with lots of people) but I’m listening to a few of their songs now. Any ideas on the best ones?

There is nothing like a good gym session. Earlier, I was lazy and tried but I went to gym just now, felt the burn, worked up QUITE a sweat and now I have enough energy to do my chemistry pre-prac questions for tomorrow….although I will probably crash soon - oh well :)

It’s my grandmom’s birthday on Friday and since she lives in Florida and I live in South Africa and I haven’t seen her in ages, I decided to get her something nice. She bought me a Pandora charm bracelet last year and has one herself and she always gets me little charms for birthdays or christmas (even though, unfortunately, I doubt I will ever wear it - it’ll be a keepsake). So I decided to buy her a little charm (frikking expensive for the size, but she’s worth it!). It’s a tiny little gingerbread man, to remind her of all the times we’ve baked together. I also got her a beanie from my varsity - she likes things with special logos on them - so I will send her the package tomorrow.

What is the opinion on coming out to strangers? I made a promise to myself that I would be much more open at varsity and tell people I was gay. But besides confessing my love to the girl (and being rejected), it hasn’t really come up. There are some guys who I enjoy spending lots of time with but they don’t know I’m gay…should I tell them? I mean, I’m not hiding it, but is it any of their business?

I was just watching a few clips from the “L word” on youtube…some of the more ‘intense’ scenes. Holy crap, I want that. IT’S SO UNFAIR!!

I wish I could just be myself and wouldn’t care what other people thought of me. I wish I could find that one special girl and hold her hand and show her that I care about her and kiss her and love her, without anyone judging me.

I need the strength to come out and be true to myself, I think…

My new Tumblr addiction is REALLY starting to affect my studying…I should be going over Maths right now…ah well :) BRING ON THE POSTS!!!

So just now, my nephew (who turns two this weekend and who is the byproduct of my now-21 year old brother and his ex girlfriend’s - then 16 - attempt at showing their love for each other) just jumped off the couch and seemed to have sprained his ankle. That wail is one of the reasons why I don’t want children. After a big family fight, it was decided that he should be taken to hospital and after another few bridges were burned, they finally got the car out of the driveway.

I am now hiding in my room, eating a chocolate and catching up on life. I cannot WAIT to move out…pity that I live 10min away from varsity and that I had to choose between staying in a res or keeping my horse. Horse wins every time :)

I was at varsity today for nearly 12 HOURS!! It was all because of a Physics test I had to do this evening. That wasn’t too bad and at least I caught up on sleep (using a desk in the library) in between my Chemistry prac and the test, but holy hell- when I got home, I was effing starving!

Chocolate cravings settled in around lunch time today and since I did not take any money to varsity today (because I knew I would buy something unhealthy…like chocolate…), my craving was only satisfied just now :( ah to live a day without chocolate would not be a very happy day!

Cravings are funny things. You can forget about them completely but they are always there, just below your subconscious, waiting until you rememeber them…and then they POUNCE!

At the moment, I am craving drunken forgetfulness (should be satisfied on Thursday night - woohoo!), the feeling of being high, human contact (wink, wink) and the feeling of someone else wanting me as much as I want them. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a crush on someone who likes me back.

Pity I don’t have one… Once again, I say… I REALLY need to find some gay friends :(

I’m writing this post NOT because I’m in the mood to write, but because it’s annoying seeing that “Coward” post everytime I open my tumblr.

I’m enjoying stalking other people’s tumblr and seeing what they like. Some people have some pretty amazing things! It’s a great way to procrastinate.

So I confessed my attraction to the girl the other day. And was turned down. Which is good. So now I know nothing will happen and I can MOVE ON.

And although I feel more free, I’m still quite sad. I can see all her faults much more clearly now and I wonder why I ignored them all. I don’t know how long she’ll be able to be ‘just friends’ with me before she gets weirded out.

I need something to get me out of my down-state. Thought last night would but then the douche cancelled! And I had to act ‘friendly host’ to people I’m not particularly fond of.

I need a ‘to-do’ list. And a bucket list. But I keep forgetting what I want in my bucket list.

But here is my to-do list over the next couple of weeks:

1) Get a tattoo

2) Go to a gay bar

3) Get SOME kind of action (I am SO sexually frustrated right now :/)

4) Go to a gay event at my university

5) Tell someone I am gay

6) Try to pass varsity (this should probably be no 1…)

Enjoy your lives, people!

Why am I such a coward???

Today I looked for the girl at lunch and we went to a secluded little shady spot far away from other people to relax. Lying down next to her (first in the shade, but then I scooted over to the sunny spot to be closer to her), I just watched her. She really is beautiful. Her hair, her lovely, toned body, her simple style which only suits her, the fact that she doesn’t know how amazing she is. How I wish she could be mine.

She played awesome music from her phone and we just lay there and talked and listened and dozed. Therewas my perfect opportunity and I missed it. Fuck. I really do need to tell her soon. She knows already, I think. I mean, how hard is it to say “X, I think I like you. No, I know I like you.”?????

Of course, it doesn’t help that in lectures, if I doze off, I end up thinking about her. Which makes me sad. And angry at myself.

Damn - why is being gay so annoyingly challenging????

Last week, my friend shaved all her hair off. Well she had a no 4. She’s been wanting to for a while and I’m glad she finally took the plunge, even though it doesn’t really suit her. I wish I had her “I don’t care what other people think of me” persona. Sometimes I will myself to and it works - and I don’t care. But most of the time, there’s this little inkling poking my brain, questioning my path or lack thereof to normality.

I just have to say that last night (Friday night) was awesome. I got to drink, dance, listen to awesome music, fail at foosball and did all of this with some really cool people. Well, two. One of which is the girl I can’t get enough of. Which is a problem, considering I see her basically every day (not really by choice - even though I love it) so if I confess my feelings of attraction to her, things could go really wrong. And she is now “the girl”, rather than the urchin, which is just weird. Even though there is a story behind the urchin.

How do you get someone to figure out they like you? How can you manipulate them to make it true?

Something completely random: Charlie Brown has some amazing quotes. I was thinking of splattering them all over my page but decided to keep them orderly here.

1. Real love is standing behind a tree so you can see her when she leaves her house. Of course it can sometimes be embarrassing. Like when you discover you’ve been standing on the wrong side of the tree.
2. This is my depressed stance. When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better. If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this.
3. You say we’re put on this earth to make others happy? … What are the others put here for?
4. Happiness is anyone and anything that’s loved by you.
5. In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back.
6. Q: How can you afraid to be happy? A: Because whenever you get too happy, something bad always happens.

Good night, sleep tight